Sometimes I’m paralyzed by fear. Fear isn’t exactly the right word. It’s more a feeling of being extremely leery of the unknown. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. This is nothing new. For who can know the future? I doubt even those psychics who claim to, really see visions of what life will be like a year down the road. Not knowing is okay. Actually, it’s the way God intended it. Because we rely more on Him when we don’t know what’s headed down the pike.
But sometimes I forget the He’s got this. I freak out a little. Sometimes I think, “What in the world am I doing this for? I’m never going to sell another book. There is no point in wasting all this time writing words that will never sell.” Defeatist attitude? Yup. I know all about it. I’m my worst cheerleader. My own worst enemy. I should just un-friend myself and walk away.
When I think like this, when I allow these thoughts to burrow deep and infiltrate the deepest parts of me, they snuff out hope. Any joy found in past accomplishments splinters under the weight of worrying that I’ll never succeed again. And thus, I get stuck.
Reality is, writing is a crap shoot. I don’t know for sure what editors really want. I can figure it out by watching the current trends, seeing what’s being published, reading and learning from other authors and agents and the editors themselves. But reality is, they don’t know what tomorrow holds either. What readers love this week, they may loathe the next. Acquisitions editors may be busy filling slots today and full tomorrow. Reality is, my agent could call or email me any day with good news. Or not so good news. Or there may be no news at all. Reality is, that harsh whisper that taunts and jeers and scoffs at me for even bothering to write another word, might be onto something.
So what then? Quit? Find a job that actually pays real money and enter the workforce while pushing fifty? Baha. Anyone who knows me well can have a good laugh at that one. But seriously, if I don’t write, what?
I guess we all get to this point somewhere in the road. Keep going or head back to where we came from… We all ask the question if I don’t do X, then what?
If you’re lucky, you know you’re right where you’re supposed to be. Doing what you love and what you’re meant to be doing. I know that. I’ve said that and I keep saying it, over and over again. But doubt still creeps in. Still tries to steal my confidence and my courage and perseverance. Some days it makes me feel stuck.
So I do what I do best.
And I guess that’s my answer to getting unstuck. That and maybe chocolate. And good friends who’ll kick my butt back in gear and tell me to get over myself. But sometimes getting stuck is good. Because I need to re-group, take stock, give myself that pep talk, and then lift one leg and put it down. Put one foot in front of the other and move on. Tomorrow will appear anyway. It will bring what it will bring. Time does not stop for fear or insecurities.
Why should I?
Are you feeling a little stuck lately? Want to talk?