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I’ve read lots of articles, blog posts and books about adoption. Primarily, they’re from the point of view of the child who was adopted, or the parents who adopted the child. Very rarely do you come across one written by the birth mother. There’s a reason for that: It’s extraordinarily difficult to explain how you could give away your baby.

Difficult, but not impossible. So here we go.

I was 25 when I got pregnant. At first, I was going to keep the baby. I had a full time job and health insurance. Sure, I had a load of bills and money was already tight, but I figured I’d find a way to manage. And if money was the only issue, I’m sure I would have. But it wasn’t. A bigger issue kept coming up, again and again. I wanted my child to grow up with a father in the house.

My parents divorced when I was six months old, so I knew what it was like to grow up without a dad. I didn’t want that for my baby. I wanted to give her a fighting chance at a good life. I prayed and agonized over it, and finally decided that adoption was the best answer. Not a perfect answer. Not a pain free solution. But the best of the options available.

Still, handing my child over to people I’d never met didn’t feel right. So I found a Christian agency that arranged open adoptions. Not only would I meet the parents, I was able to choose them. We sat down together and talked, got to know each other better. And I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt. that God had taken my painful situation and turned it into the best thing possible. He was making a new family.

When I went into labor, I told the delivery room nurses to give the baby not to me after she was born, but to her parents. I wanted them to be the first ones to hold her, because she would be theirs to care for and love. My intention was not to hold her or even look at her. Not because I didn’t love her or wasn’t interested. Just the opposite. I was afraid if I saw her, I wouldn’t be able to let her go.

God had other plans. Later that evening a nurse, who hadn’t been filled in on the adoption scenario, brought the baby to me for a bottle feeding. So I fed my daughter, held her, smiled at her, told her I loved her. And when the nurse came to take her back, I let her go.

So how could I give away my child? I didn’t. I entrusted her to God, gave her into his care, and he put her in the right family. You might wonder how my daughter is today and whether we’re in touch. She is a lovely young woman who, I’m told, is also a writer. We’ve sort of connected via Facebook. It’s all very new and tentative, but I know she’s out there and she knows I’m here for her anytime she’s ready. All I want is what’s best for her.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

How about you? Have you ever had to trust God in a painful situation? Did he come through for you?

Jennifer AlLee is an author of Inspirational Fiction. You can connect with her here:

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